Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
