just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
