Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Randomize
