I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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