Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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