how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
