the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
