a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
