hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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