I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
