I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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