Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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