My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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