...so i touched it.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
