Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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