My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
