why didn't you poke me back
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
