I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
