Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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