my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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