I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
