We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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