A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
not ubering you a puppy
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
