i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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