Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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