I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
