He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize