dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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