Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
