Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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