apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize