I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
