this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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