he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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