Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
