my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
