Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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