So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
