He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
