she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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