totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Randomize
