I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
