Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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