i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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