Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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