Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
this will be a night to untag.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
