the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
