I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
