I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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