Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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