You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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