Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
