i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
