Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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