if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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