My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
