Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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