Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
ttyl tear gas
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
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